somewhere near here

2008-10-23T22:44:00.002+08:00

typing in candle light. electricity is too expensive.

walked in the rain. i had to sing my heart out.

lay on the floor. i wanted to feel the cold.

broke my phone. i needed everything else to stop.

downed half a bottle of baileys. i wanted to get drunk.

ate sleeping pills. i needed my sleep.

burned my finger. i felt the pain.

bit my lip till it bled. i tasted the blood.

i wanted to die. something.. something.. something.

tried smoking a breadstick. it was good.
tried to make a lamp.
tried to watch heroes season 3.
tried to tell you how much i wanted you to stay.
tried to stay awake.
tried not to skip literature.
tried doesnt mean i suceeded.

2008-10-17T20:44:00.003+08:00

i wish you can hear the tunes going off in my head. because its a chorus of melodies.

you know when you close your eyes, tilt your head to the sky(even though theres like a ceiling or smt..), take a deep breathe, and fall away. when you come to, you know something has changed. thats how i feel right now.... but the change hurts like the scratch on my back.

i want to move up out and over. i want to upgrade. take off to the stars, and smt poetic that makes almost enough sence for you to realise what im saying. so chnge hurts.. but were all human we are adaptable right?... right... ofcourse we are. unfortunatly im barely surviving. i want to hermitize myself. learn how to fish, and be contented for life. or become like a terrorist. end my life for a cause i believe in. only problem.. i dont believe in causes. actually right now. i dont believe in anything. i hope that when i die. ppl look down at my coffin and go there goes a guy that lived one heck of a good life...

2008-10-13T20:05:00.002+08:00

and the whole top diamond and the bottom rows gold.

nothing has happend. or has it?

hahaha recruiting a crowd for cover. im serious. i need a crowd.

today i started my long journey of exams i predict by the end i will be empty of information...

also i refuse to cut my hair.

looks like today is one of those days i ran outta things to say.

2008-10-10T21:42:00.002+08:00

i feel like recreating another T i realise That without my Thoughts i am alone. but because of The Two i am never alone for my helmet of home is always full of echos of past discussions and woeful Tales of Trauma. yet i am driven to silence Them and Told to ignore The loud bellowing of mellodious solitude. you dont know how deafening silence is Till the quietest sound seems so loud. when that happens you realise That There are more sounds Than just being alone. and The quiet is booming find escape Through shadowy figures That Take over To mute The silence.

T20

2008-10-02T21:23:00.002+08:00

today i was told that im at stage one of a personality disorder... cooool huh.. now the only thing that would probably piss me off would be all those ass faces that suddenly contracted the diseases too..

now i have 2 babies.. glowybaby. as deemed by kiko.. and starrybaby? oh well im scared to show starry off.. its really nice.. and i bought it with my own money.. like nearly everything else i get... well my computer was from my parents.. but thats a different thing right...

and further more some guy went into my facebook and changed all the stuff. so its all fun now.. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2008-09-14T20:19:00.002+08:00

so i sat down with my tub of sorbet.
thinking of wierd puns.
out of the blue, my cold and flu
disappeared with the sun.
the sky turned dark and the mood too grey
but i was busy with my fun
my limericks were all jello
as my gimicks turned mello
because i rememberd i was missing
the life i had been wishing
to spend it all with you.

oo ice cream makes my lines rhyme hehe.

2008-09-09T19:59:00.002+08:00

i finally see i was holding onto a thread of desperation. awesome. i move on. with wires cutting into me as i move on. i dont know why but your cold calm contemplation burnt me. here its over. move on. why. my blind eyes did not see it. move on. i have concrete shoes for a grave. move on. this too shall pass said debra. move on. unhook the fish hooks and crack the chains. move on. shut up. move on. i dont want to. move on.

i want to gorge out my right eye, so i can enjoy my left better. poke. im along my self again so along i be will.

i can hope that you will one day see that your missing the times i was close. then maybe i might have a chance again. i wont screw up. il move on by the time that happens. freshly cut grass. do you get me now? i suffer from a heart disease uncurable so dont bother i guess.

cut me like butter

2008-08-21T01:17:00.002+08:00

do you feel me? cause im right here beside you. il always be.

2008-08-20T00:50:00.003+08:00

once upon a time. there was a boy, young, care-free and innocent. and along came a girl of about the same innocence. they were happy making friends and playing under the sun but then. another boy showed up, he on the other hand was more experienced and knew that the world was an unfair place where when things happened, they usually happend for the worst... the boy however, trusting in his ways, did not realise the predator that had befallen him and the girl. the new boy taught him how to feel pain. showing him the darker side of life. soon more children showed up all more aware that the world was a dark and gloomy place. slowly, the white glow of the boy and the girl started to dim ever so slightlyand soon. it was so dark, it was night.

night.morning

soon it was time to go but the boys parents were no where to be found and slowly.. the children left one by one till only he stood in the gloom. finally feeling alone and outcast he realised that the world was truly a terrible place. suddenly everything was bright again with a white flash of light. immensely joyous at the prospect of salvation the boys face light up for a split second when the thunder and rain crashed down on him. he felt soothed and saddened at the same time he felt his emotions was off like the dirt coming off his hands. his skin grew goosebumps because of the cold but he felt normal. now. he. is. alone.
so painful you can taste the blood
fragments of misconduceiveness.

2008-08-01T21:19:00.004+08:00

i dont know why i keep talking like i dont give a damn. but actually i do. i just cant seem to shake out of the 3rd person mode where i watch things happen and i either dont respond or respond negatively. its like the blue in my world turned to a deep shade of brown. and everything looks dull and insignificant. oh well. things are the way they are. its probably best for us if we distanced. cause it hurts me too much to see you or hear you or know you've got your love and i dont. i am jealous. i am a fucking zealot. i am in trouble. everyday i live is just another day of boring meaningless mud that i trudge through. and if you still read. id rather be slapped than ignored. rather be a girl than a guy. rather live than die. rather fly than crash. rather be mainstream then to be nothing. rather be cool than be geeky. now. im. numb. like my tongue after eating icecream. its a feeling i cant shake, with a reason unknown. i apologise to deaf ears and hope you will take my super apology. if you never want to talk i understand. and il live with the concequences of my actions which i take full responsibility of. but asking wont do much. things cant be taken back and hope is lost stays lost. so souless and hopeless i remain.

-tom.

i dont know why around my birthday a head on collision with all things bad happens. but this birthday, i dont wanna live past it. count down 13, close your eyes. and sing like the fat lady on a holiday. 12 11 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 bye,

2008-07-30T00:32:00.003+08:00

this time im all alone.
in my padded cell.
to rot and collect dust
with my thoughts for friends.
how nostalgic.
fuck.

2008-07-30T00:12:00.002+08:00

im sorry.

for all the complications that my life had to offer. sorry that it was messy so many times over. thank you for the best times of my life. but if this is really it i dont think i can stand hanging on to the last shreds of my sanity. its not that i dont care its just i cant take the heart break anymore. the fact is i care too much and it burns. burns a hole where i used to feel. so i guess this is goodbye to you, from your 3 biggest fans. i will try to move on. get over. or just bury it away anything to keep the hurt from bleeding out.looks like my light at the end was just the burnt out embers of something else. but if i had 1 wish i would wish that we could pick up where we left off one day. and we would be magic.
forever and ever
this time.
i will love you. but when your ready to accept it now it just hurts too much.
i dont think im coming home.
sorry.

2008-07-22T21:18:00.001+08:00

i just realised. that the best thing in life is begged for.

also lost a whole bunch of stuff..

had a lift door close on me.....

but everything was right. cause thats how i role.

2008-07-17T13:55:00.003+08:00

i am not normal. normal is what i am not.
i am in love.
i am insane. insane is doing something again knowing the outcome will be the same.
can you tell?
i am crazy. crazy is what i am for you.
its a big secret.
i am boring. boring is me at times.
you mean everything to me.
i am showing signs of relapse.
when i think of you,
i am themed
inside i go fucking insane.
i miss you

ps. someone told me that they highlight posts. i asked why?. today i found out why.

2008-07-08T18:41:00.002+08:00

good things dont last forever. live by it. learn it. and someday give it the finger and die. its the only escape from the rule. im sorry i wasnt good enough. im sorry i continued when i knew you still were in love with kim. im sorry for all the things i said. if your still willing to listen to my broken record go on about how stupid i am and how it shouldnt be this way. while my nose is runny and my eyes are wet. im sorry. and i couldnt tell you but if your not there it doesnt mean a thing. cause il be the only person to chain myself to your shadow.

just incase i dont make it to see tommorrow.

i just want you to know.

i guess in a way.

a tiny yet huge way.

i love you.

also

fuck you world. and all the lucky fucks that cheated the system got what they wanted and were sucessful i hope you all rot cause you'll never know the pain of the person next to you. so like they say its better to blow out than to fade away. i dont wanna fade away. to all the people i forgot to tell.

mom.dad. go suck on a big one. i hope you die.

joy. your irretating please eat a bullet. if you change your gonna grow up to be one hot chick.

all my friends that were supposedly there. you caused me the greatest amt of misery if i could make you eat my shit just know i would gorge you all, fuckers.

to the teachers that were doing it for my own good. fuck you i know you all thought i was a failier behind my back hypocrites i hope your children die. you guys were so fucking 'caring' i wanted to eat my tongue and die.

to tam and tom. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

to the posers in my school. i hope you fall in a vat of acid.

to the ppl that i judged with my mind. it wasnt pretty you all suck

all my friends that were there and stayed by to emo. thanks for genuinly caring and sharing. when i needed it the most.

to the world. wise words are useless for a time like this. even though they were supposed to be meaningful and make you think. mine can only be a one word thing.

why?

2008-07-08T17:06:00.001+08:00

hey. thanks for the best suprise ive ever recieved. you make me really really happy so happy i had to blog about it!! i really still dont get sea humps. ok now im rambling.MISS YOU!

2008-06-12T16:38:00.002+08:00

im having the time of my life. honestly i feel like someone picked me up and gave me a big hug cause i deserved it. its like a really good icecream with the happy feeling below my heart and above my stomach xD i really feel great.
i love you.
fishy!
dont let me go/

2008-06-07T11:11:00.002+08:00

that your only the one hurt much so like this.

crushing breaking snapping hurting stinging bursting i am.

ever but you dont want i to leave me.

you if cause do.

il trip fall and stumble. and il go down so far i wont come back up.

ilneversaynotoyou.
hit me. hit me hard. so i remember.
blahblahblahblahblahblahiblahblahblahloveblahblahblahblahblahyoublahblah

i just hope you can see it.

secretly i wanna die. ive been collecting my sleepers.

2008-06-07T01:22:00.001+08:00

good night world i leave you to solve your own complications.

2008-06-01T11:47:00.002+08:00

i think. oh wait. i cant.

i finally found it. but it will never be mine. and the more and more i get closer to it the more i know that its gonna be hard when it doesnt work out in the end. nearer and nearer draws closer but still i dont pull away its like a really really really painful game that as a lose lose situation on either side and somehow i know im gonna regret it cause il never be good enough.

great isnt good enough.
sweet isnt sweet enough.
enough never is enough.

im always just 'enough' i know i should quit while im ahead but i cant let go. finally i figured out what i want and i also figured out the difference between want and need. like i wanted a new ds since my old one got stolen. or i need food to live. unfortunatly in this i dont get a choice to want or need. i just need and want and i know im digging my grave deeper in the hopes of breaking through but i know il never be more than enough and il never find something that i need this much.

its like watching someone fall from a high place and not being able to do anything about it. at the moment of flight. you wish you could catch the person or rope them in or slow their fall. but it happens anyway. they fall with a sickening thud and even though you try to not watch you cant take your eyes off every grimey detail. every sound. and smell. it just happens without being able to be stopped. no matter how much in your head you try to convince yourself that you could have done something to prevent it you just cant. its life. fuck life. life is unfair. i understand unfair. but life only seems unfair to me. life and me have issues. we dont work together well.

i paranoia that in the end im going to end up back where i started alone cold and wishing i was someone else. but i cant let go. my had is stuck in the cookie jar with the worlds biggest cookie and i cant let go. i try to smash the jar but the jar is too nice and the cookies like the safety of the jar better. i just cant change life no matter how much i try its not hollywood no big explosions no car chases. i just get my pair of hands that arent mine. the ones that i dont recognise in the end i know the only one i can blame for this is me. i just continued raising on a 2 spades and a 5 hearts thinking that my bluff would go unnoticed. its financial suicide and im ignoreing the fact that the other guy could have a straight a flush or a triple on the flop. its just great to see other people walk away with my life. but still i cant change life. life changes me. and all i have to say to that is fuck off. all ive gotten is a empty shell that clinks when clanked. its annoying that i know theres no turning back. there no hiro nakamura to do that face and make time rewind. im never going to be whole again. my confidence is built on sand. and my faith is leaning. i cant help but wonder what would happen if the jar wasnt there. would i be happy? or would that make things boring.

great isnt ever good enough. you can see it in the eyes of the critisiser. il never be even close to great. just a sub option.

2008-05-16T21:24:00.001+08:00

im bulletproof.

2008-05-16T21:21:00.002+08:00

my grey skys. finally theyre back.

time to say goodbye. to the topseyturvey world.

bye!

2008-05-11T22:39:00.003+08:00

i feel mixed inside.
i dont wanna get over anything. i just wish things sorted themself out. i feel like im trapped under an icey river and the current just sweeps me away. and the more i try to make things right the more i screw it up. ITS CRUMBLING IN MY HANDS and i cant do anything about it. im just watching from third person. literally. just like my life its dying on my again and again and again. my life just feels so empty and when i was with you my skys grew rainbows and flowers sprouted on pavements. now things are just a dull grey like it used to be. like its going to be. im just sorry. and i cant say it enough. i dont think anything i do will be enough. im selfish, somehow without realising it becomes all about me. and i just keep taking the wrong path. i mean i know you tried to help but i just kept doggedly going in the wrong fucking direction. and now its blown from shit to shittier. i shouldnt be alive. and by saying that i become selfish again. life is unfair im being selfish again. on the good news when you said it. i couldnt help but cry. so atleast i got that outta the way. i feel like ive fallin into a pit that i cant get out of and there are ants. lots of ants everywhere just bitting away at me. nibbling off my being. my rocky hide.
:ehpathi deeeprashun: something that makes you emotionless. something that i suffer from.
i felt again. it hurt bad and youl always have somewhere to run to cause the earthquakes screw shit up. litterally. il be there.. watch for the moods. watch from the clouds. this is gonna be an interesting week.( on other note. in this post i was angry sad annoyed irreated happy down fucked around all at the same time) (but that isnt bad. were all human and one day we gotta feel just that i do that in wierd ways) now that thats outta my system..* flush!* and its gone.

oh fuck. the toilet is cloggy. still not over it

i was in the neighbourhood

2008-04-29T21:04:00.003+08:00

i was in the neighbourhood so i came round to get M from school. hah first time that i got to pick her up i feel so accomplished! but anyway the cab fares were murder. but it was worth it cant belive i let her pay. from her school we went to her house and i met her youngest sister, which reminded me of my own cept that mine is way more prancy and fairyish. we played cards and poker which i have no idea how i kept sucking so bad. but all in all i kinda won heh. still she made me feel really great about myself. considering i had the worst day at home listening to the bullshit from my mom. the cab ride home was probably finacial suicide considering the first and now i owe her 6 dollars which i must repay otherwise il let it pill up and up and up till i owe a tremendous amount of money.

OH YEAH i skipped school today for b&js free cone day heh i feel so stuffed so ice creamish! the lines were massive! and getting a cone was killer but i managed to snag a few.. oh oh oh may be going out with D later to dempsey for more free icream! wo-o-o-o-opa!

and your definetly more than just an emergency shelter.
cause as long as your happy i am too.

the random ups and downs

2008-04-28T23:09:00.002+08:00

sighhh today was GREAT i bought 5 decks of poker cards from chris today for a good price which rocked cause i meant to get them anyway so he saved me alot of trouble.

then i had divia for econs omg i swear to god that teacher is biased like shit.bloodyhell she shouted at me for no reason. all in all the day was good/bad.

then you came to meet me after school with your friend karen and we went to get cupcakes(secretly i was dammm happy that she came to pick me up) just wont admit it at all though.

anyway. im sure we had sort of a good time till she came and then i felt like shit cause you brighted up like a lightbulb which made me realise that i was like shit. and from then till now ive been feeling like im not good enough for you cause i secretly fear that i cant make you happy. probably my paranoia which has kicked in quite abit the past week. sighh i still secretly feel like shit and my super up and down moods have been working at my sanity. i think im going nuts.. the good nuts i suppose but still i somehow manage to feel really really hopeless cause its like im fighting a losing battle that, well IM LOSING. gee thats probably it for now. but i justhopw you know... you still make me happy. really really happy like super off the walls bouncing sugar high happy. i just gotta watch out for the dips

heres to the times.

2008-04-27T17:27:00.001+08:00

revived blog.
im so glad no one reads this its probably a personal outlet for me i guess ive been thinking of reviving it anyway.

in other news i really dont know what to do anymore its like no matter what i do things just turn around and bite me in the ass. im like an old toy that sits on a shelf collecting dust. really its enthraling.

its just so confusing here i feel happy for a bit. and then i feel really down. but inside i know i probably lost. karma always has a way of skipping me and hitting the next person.

but still i lucked out big time. sometimes i wish i hadnt cause now ive had a taste, i dont wanna give it up. but then again forever and ever. and as long as your happy atleast i have something to look forward to. also for all i know it might just be in my head. ive been fucking paranoid lately and its begining to affect my thoughts. the lack of sleep hasnt helped either.

so heres to the times.

ps. if i did win not that its a competition or anything i would definetly be the happiest person alive and i mean it.